There has always been two basic camps of though on how we, as people, develop our personalities and habits.  One side is nature and the other is nuture.  Nature says that we are biologically programmed to be who we are.  Nurture says that we are shaped by our environmet to behave in a certain way.  One strong argument for the nurture camp is birth order.  Many researchers believe that the slot fate assigned us in the family tree can be as powerful as gender in determining our personality.  What do you think?  Are first-borns destined to be more successful?  Are younger siblings born rebels?  Where do you fit in your family’s birth order?  Does your family line up with the birth order stereo types?

First Borns

Strengths:  The firstborn is often used to being the center of attention.  He has Mom and Dad to himself before siblings arrive.  Many parents spend more time reading and explaining things to firstborns.

It’s not as easy when other kids come into the picture.  That undivided attention may have a lot to do with why firstborns tend to be overachievers.  In addition to usually scoring higher on IQ tests and generally getting more education than their brothers and sisters, firstborns tend to outearn their siblings.

Weaknesses: Success comes with a price: Firstborns tend to be type A personalities who never cut themselves any slack.  They often feel that nothing they accomplish feels good enough.  And because they dread making a misstep, oldest kids tend to stick to the straight and narrow.  They’re typically inflexible.  They don’t like change and are hesitant to step out of their comfort zone.  Also, because firstborns are often given a lot of responsibility at home — whether it’s helping with chores or watching over younger siblings — they can be quick to take charge (ie: they’re bossy).  That burden can lead to excess stress for a child who already feels pressure to be perfect.

Necessary nurturing: Firstborns are constantly receiving encouragement for their achievements, but they also need to know it’s okay if they don’t succeed at everything.  Tell your eldest about that time you lost a big game or flubbed at your first job.  Help them relate to a situation in which you tried something and it didn’t work out exactly as you planned.  Be sure to emphasize why it was okay in the end and how you learned from your mistakes.  You want them to see that making a few mistakes of their own is okay and can actually be a good thing.

In The Middle

Strengths: Middleborns are go-with-the-flow types.  Once a younger sibling arrives, they must learn how to constantly negotiate and compromise in order to “fit in” with everyone.   Not surprisingly, mid kids score higher in agreeableness than both their older and younger sibs.   With less attention at home, middle children tend to build stronger bonds with friends and be less tethered to their family than their brothers and sisters.  They’re usually the first of their siblings to take a trip with another family or to want to sleep at a friend’s house.

Weaknesses: Middle kids once lived as the baby of the family, until they were dethroned by a new sibling.  Unfortunately, they’re often acutely aware that they don’t get as much parental attention as their “trailblazing” older sibling or the beloved youngest, and they feel like their needs and wants are ignored.  Middle kids are in a difficult position in a family because they think they’re not valued.  It’s easy for them to be left out and get lost in the shuffle.   And they may have a point.  A recent survey found that a third of parents with three children admit to giving their middle child far less attention than they give their other two.

Necessary nurturing: Find small ways to put your middle child in the spotlight.  The biggest complaint among middle children is that they aren’t heard. By making simple gestures, like letting them choose the restaurant or the movie that everyone goes to, can mean the world to them.  Many times, middle children end up deferring to the oldest’s wants and the youngest’s needs, so do what you can to make them feel empowered.

The Youngest

Strengths: Lastborns generally aren’t the strongest or smartest in the room, so they develop their own ways of winning attention.  They’re natural charmers with an outgoing, social personality.  Its no surprise then that many famous actors and comedians are the baby of the family, or that they score higher in “agreeableness” on personality tests than firstborns.  Youngest also make a play for the spotlight with their adventurousness.  Free-spirited lastborns are more open to unconventional experiences and taking physical risks than their siblings.  Research has shown that they’re more likely to play sports like football and soccer than their older siblings.

Common challenges: Youngests are known for feeling that nothing I do is important.  None of their accomplishments seem original.  Their siblings have already learned to talk, read, and ride a bike.  So parents react with less spontaneous joy at their accomplishments.  Lastborns also learn to use their role as the baby to manipulate others in order to get their way.  They’re the least likely to be disciplined.  Parents often coddle the littlest when it comes to chores and rules, failing to hold them to the same standards as their siblings.

Necessary nurturing: The long-term result of too much babying could be an adult who is dependent on others and unprepared for the world.  So don’t underestimate your child.  Youngests are masters at getting out of chores and are often seen as too little to participate.  But even a 2-year-old can manage tasks like putting away toys, so be sure she has responsibilities. Keep a consistent set of rules that all the kids must follow.

Special Circumstances

Lonely Only:  You’ve probably heard that ’only children’ grow up selfish and socially inept.  Not true.  Only kids learn people skills from their parents and peers.  In fact, most only children turn out to be achievers with similar traits to firstborns.  They are ambitious and articulate.  And since they spend so much time with their parents, they’re comfortable interacting with adults.  The downside: Onlies may have difficulty relating to kids their own age.  Make sure your child spends time with their peers from early on.  Sign them up for playgroups, sports teams, and other organized activities.

Doubles:  Even if they have other siblings, twins, and other multiples. generally grow up as an entity unto themselves. Mostly because that’s how others see them.  The firstborn twin typically acts as the older child in the twosome, while the secondborn will have traits of a younger sibling.  Outside of their relationship, however, they often get lumped together as ‘the twins’.  This can be a source of frustration when twins get older and each seeks to carve out an individual identity. So encourage your duo to develop their own passions.  While they might prefer to do things together, it’s important for each kid to establish his or her own interests and personality.